6 Ways To Better Communicate With Your Teenager
Contents
In these trying times, responsible parenting can seem like an unattainable feat. Parents may feel lost and confused about how best to approach their teenagers and often wonder if they’re truly doing enough for their children. It is normal to feel stretched, strained, and tested – we are all going through a period of grief and coping with change in different ways. Fortunately, there are ways to bridge the gap between parents and teens.
By employing strategies that go beyond the traditional methods, parents will find they can create a new path of communication with their children. Understanding that the old ways may not be working, it is important to recognize that our children and ourselves should not be contained in boxes. Taking the steps towards an outside-of-the-box approach to parenting is key to opening a gate of understanding, and creating the chance for mutual growth and connection.
1. Take a Breath
Taking a moment to focus on your breath can improve your well-being and be an invaluable tool for managing stress. This is especially true in times of uncertainty when we need our strength and determination the most. As a parent or guardian, you can set an example for your teenagers by showing them how valuable breathing deeply can be. It allows us to remain calm and centered so that we can move forward in a balanced manner. By modeling mindful breathing techniques, you can help create healthy habits that will serve them for their entire lives.
Practice:
If you feel overwhelmed with worry, fear, or anger, it is important to take a moment to tune in to yourself. Give yourself permission to pause and acknowledge how you are feeling. Observe your breath, focus on your stomach, or close your eyes and ground yourself in the present moment. Show yourself kindness and understanding by radically accepting what you are feeling – these feelings are simply messages for you to hear. To begin with, this practice may be more comfortable if you do it alone.
“Conscious breathing stops your mind.” Eckhart Tolle
2. Be Authentic
Get really real. Adolescents are allergic to in-authenticity and control. If you’ve ever tried to engage with your teen from a place of obligation, worry, fear, or control, you most likely watched them tune out. Try engaging with curiosity. Adolescents appreciate equality, respect, fairness, choice, and authenticity. They need your compassionate and clear guidance here and to be involved in family decisions, guidelines, and chores.
Practice:
DON’T pretend to enjoy Fortnite if you can’t stand it but DO learn why your teenager is into technology. This isn’t about being inauthentic, it’s about finding the ways that you can genuinely connect. I have yet to meet a person who I cannot relate to, even if it’s about how awful the world is. Find a way to connect to this if that’s where your child is at. DO involve your teenager in creating family rules and guidelines. Ask for their insight and ideas. This helps them to feel respected and it’s also good practice for them as they prepare for adulthood. This might need to be updated every few months as well, so stay open and prepared for discussions.
“The words you speak become the house you live in.” Hafiz
3. Validation & Curiosity
You might have found yourself falling back on old parenting patterns like saying, “Because I said so” or trying to fix something rather than listening to what your teen has to say. This is only natural as we are outgrowing this outdated paradigm, however not only are these ways often hurtful, but they are also ineffective. Most of my adolescent clients tell me they wish their parents would listen and that they don’t feel understood. Most of my adult clients say that their teenagers don’t open up to them and they feel like their relationship is disappearing. If your child tried to open up to you and you replied in an invalidating way or with punishment, they aren’t likely to open up again and your relationship could suffer as a result. Instead of focusing on fixing, engage with wonder, and focus on your relationship.
Practice:
When we tune in and genuinely listen, your teen will feel, seen, heard, and respected. This gives your child a chance to emotionally regulate as well as process the current state they are in. It’s only when we skip steps that things fall apart. The three steps are: validate, connect, create.
You can offer validation by nodding along and staying mostly quiet except for reflecting on what they are saying to you. “No wonder you are upset” and “Wow, that’s so hard” or “I hear you…is there something I can do to help?” Choose to connect by offering unconditional support. This might include giving your teen some physical space, just like you offered them space to share. You are on the same team and these steps help to remind both of you. You can move on to creating a plan of action after these first two steps. Each step could take anywhere from a few minutes to a few months depending on your circumstances.
Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated. -Jill Bolte Taylor
4. Be Present
You are only human, so mistakes are part of the process. Your child is always evolving, especially during adolescent years so each bump in the road is an opportunity. Many parents find themselves parenting out of fear instead of from the present moment. And before you roll your eyes, hear me out. Presence isn’t about perfection, it’s about awareness of what is. This is how we check in with ourselves — a skill so needed right now. Even if you are juggling a million things, practicing presence is truly essential if you want a successful relationship. Presence doesn’t mean a false sense of hope or pretending that there isn’t a challenge, but it might mean carving a new pathway. And you already are, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Humans are adaptable. Presence doesn’t mean you always need to be “on”, but it does mean we need to learn how to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty and accept this moment, especially if we expect young people to do the same.
Practice:
If your teenager is struggling, observe the environment at home. Is there something that could be adjusted to support them? Notice if you are binge-watching the news or feeling overwhelmed by emotions. If so, your teenager may embody this by mirroring similar emotions, or you might observe them trying to find space by spending time in their room or on technology. Supporting your teen starts with noticing how they are coping — and also how you are coping.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” Eckhart Tolle
5. Pain As a Portal
Many of us have watched the world around us run from discomfort, trying to avoid pain. We tend to believe that if we ignore the tough stuff, it will go away — but it only makes it stronger, louder, bigger. Know that pain is the beginning of something new, a change. If we ignore it then we don’t allow it the space to transform as it is designed to. Pain is a message. Can you hear what it’s trying to tell you?
Practice:
Notice your own behaviors and observe how your teen is different or similar. Practice awareness of what is challenging you in life. Try to steer clear of blaming yourself or your teenager and realize that we are all doing the best we can while simultaneously growing. For those who are parenting an especially defiant teenager, check out this article for the dos and don’ts of how to engage with your teen.
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Rumi
6. Have Fun with your Teen
Research shows enjoying ourselves and our relationships supports our overall health and well-being. Continue to follow the safety protocols encouraged by experts and officials and discover where you have some fun! We are all shedding the layers of our past conditioning and doing our best to unlearn what we learned throughout our own childhoods.
Practice:
Joining your teenager in their pursuits can be a fun, fulfilling experience. Whether they are playing their favorite video games, creating videos on TikTok, or learning a new skill, you can be there to support your teen as they embark on this journey. Find the curiosity within yourself to understand their interests and show them that you care about what they are doing.
If your teen is feeling overwhelmed, remind them it is natural to want something better and provide the necessary support they need. It is OK not to be OK – both for you and your teenager. If you find that the situation warrants professional help, do not hesitate to seek out the appropriate resources for you and your family’s needs. Remember that we all need support sometimes, and you don’t have to face challenges alone.
“A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient child.” Glennon Doyle
Conclusion
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, both as a parent and as a teen in these trying times. Finding ways to connect and bond with your teenage child can be particularly difficult when the world around you is uncertain. However, it is important to remember that we all need support from time to time, and it’s okay if neither of you is feeling okay. You may both be looking for something better, for a sense of peace and happiness, and that is natural.
As parents, it is understandable that we don’t always know how to support our teenagers. Nevertheless, it is important to remember that you are doing better than you think. Showing love and compassion to yourself and your teenagers, despite all the hardships, will bring you closer together and help you both get through this difficult period.