Every day you read stories about adult children and parents reuniting after years of non-communication because of parental alienation or other factors. It is one of the most emotional things they could ever go through. I know, because I am in the process of reconnecting with one of my children. I wanted to share in case there are other parents out there going through the same thing and I guess documenting it is my therapy. Hey, if you’re a writer, what better way to work through complex emotions than write them down, right?! So, here goes…

Very quick, not involved backstory

I had a bad childhood, eventually gave up and didn’t care what happened to me. At 17 I ended up pregnant (my rebellion lasted a whole 2 months). That was when everything changed. No one would have ever pegged me as the motherly type. Ever. But the second I knew I was pregnant, something clicked. I may not have had a good childhood, but I was going to do everything in my power to make sure this child did. She was my angel. Her very existence is what saved mine. I wanted to give her the world.

Fate, God, Destiny, whatever you want to call it had other plans

I was not able to give her that childhood, but the universe kept my promise to her and she got it, though it didn’t include me. Most of those who have had to give up a child have probably spent some time wondering and worrying about their wellbeing. I obsessed. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of her. It completely consumed me. It took years until I realized how destructive it was and I finally had to stop looking at the court documents, stop crying every day and hope that all was well.

Fast forward almost 15 years later to our first conversation

Awkward. Fearful. What if I say too much or too little? Will I push her away? What has she been told about me, if anything? Will there be anger? And for one of the few moments in my life, I got lucky. No anger, her life is complicated but good, and she knew of me. There are no words to describe how I felt. The simple act of communicating with her was one of the happiest moment of my life. My angel…

We’ve only had a couple of conversations so far

I try not to push, let her go at her own pace. I resist the urge to burst out all of my excitement in one huge message. I question everything I say, worried that with one wrong word I may never hear from her again. Then I stop and breathe. I’m still her birth mother. Still the first one to ever know of her existence. Still the first person to ever love her. If two conversations are all the universe wants us to have, then I will cherish them forever.

I have three more children now and a step-daughter, too

I made them all the same promise and have done my best to give them a good childhood, make sure they know they’re loved and to raise them to be the good people.

If you’re going through something similar, stay strong! Even if you haven’t had the opportunity to reconnect, keep the faith. I honestly never thought the day would ever come that I could speak with her. I’m not in her life, just kind of sitting on the sidelines, waiting. But I’m here. Always have been, always will be, excited to see what happens next.

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